A Brief Diversion Into The World Of Music

AND NOW, A QUICK WORD FROM SOMEONE WHO WASN'T ASKED TO CONTRIBUTE BUT DID SO ALL THE SAME...

Hello there. I am ever-so-slightly manufactured international singing sensation Kelly Clarkson and I would like to welcome you all to another exciting adventure in the land of televisionoff.

Here I am pretending to be a Goth when, let's face it, if I was a Goth, my music wouldn't be quite so f%^&ing terrible and perhaps a bit more like something decent. If you look me up on the internet you will find lots of really nasty stuff about how I'm fat now when I used to be thin. This is because most people on the internet are like, total bell-ends.

Anyway, I'm not here to discuss Doctor Who (let's face it, that would be pretty weird, wouldn't it? A bit like Jesus suddenly appearing in your front room and starting to lecture you in depth on the Underwater Menace. Okay, maybe that would be TOO weird, but anyway).

I'm not even here to sing at you or talk about how I like, totally rock dude. Instead I'm going to just shut up and let the owner of this here blog step up to the mike and spit his totally wicked flow all over you.

Some of it has something to do with me. I can't think why since this is supposed to be a Doctor Who blog.

Quite frankly I feel cheated. Dirty and cheated.

LET'S MIME AGAIN LIKE WE DID LAST SUMMER

The idea of authenticity in popular music is a thorny issue. Either it must exist at all costs, or it doesn't exist at all; and nothing really matters when it comes to artists supposedly being artists and not just blank-eyed robotic zombies dancing to the tune of sinister extraterrestrial string-pullers who manipulate events and outcomes from behind the scenes, with nary a concern for the outcome outside of the realms of making as much cash as possible. This whole subject is a particular area of obsession for me, and in the temporary absence of any interesting Doctor Who stuff to write about (but be afraid, cos there's plenty of that just around the bend) we shall be exploring hereforth, and thusly.

Miming among popstars is another thing that bizarrely fascinates me. I very recently and quite by accident saw the closing moments of an episode of Loose Women (it really was an accident, honest, I tripped, fell, hit the TV and my hand accidentally switched it onto ITV, not something any sane person would do at the best of times).

Kelly Clarkson was on (by and large a not-bad singer, although regrettably her music is clearly produced by not even a hundred monkeys) and was 'performing' her most recent single. Ms Clarkson seemed to start the song off by singing live (presumably to give the impression that this was actually what she now does for a living), but by the time the chorus kicked in the miming seemed to be in full effect.

She didn't quite do what they usually do when miming on rubbish TV shows, ie try to avoid the glaring eye of the camera by attempting to hide her mouth behind the microphone, as if somewhere else on the stage we were about to be introduced to some disturbing ventriloquist's dummy which we would believe was actually singing the words - but instead Ms. Clarkson and 'her people' just assumed the audience watching at home were COMPLETELY F^&%ING STUPID.

MY WIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU

As indeed I was beginning to feel at this very point, starting to imagine Shnorbitz, Lord Charles or some other variety act puppet I can't quite remember from the mists of the early eighties singing a soft-rock power-ballad. (Warning - the following sentence may contain traces of capital letters)It was then that I noticed Ms. Clarkson's 'band.' A word I must use in ENORMOUS INVERTED COMMAS as there were SEVEN of them including her. Two backing vocalists (one with a guitar) TWO FURTHER GUITARISTS, a bassist, drummer, and, most importantly, a keyboardist. Even though there were NO KEYBOARDS ON THE F$%^ING TRACK AT ALL.

Or that many guitars. Holy crud. Most extreme metal bands don't need three guitarists. Quite distressingly, all the 'players' looked as if they were thoroughly enjoying themselves, and almost miming convincingly. Apart from the backing singers who were either pretending to sing Ms. Clarkson's vocal parts or both had exactly the same voice as her, which is surely a bit embarrassing if you show up one day to do backing vocals and turn out to have the same voice as the actual proper singer.

I didn't pay much attention to the actual song, I was too busy working myself into an irrational frenzy of furniture-smashing rage by getting incensed by the THREE GUITARISTS.

Three. And a bassist. And two more singers. And an imaginary keyboardist.

THREE of them???? And yet no puppet show. WHY?????!!!! (?!)

It must be Gordon Brown's fault. If you listen really closely, every time he speaks, Susan Boyle's voice comes out.

OUR GLORIOUS LEADER!!!

Ah, hello there. I've also got nothing to do with Doctor Who. Other than that I might be about to go on a very long hiatus.

I'm also not a Nazi. Honest.

I think Doctor Who is great! I'm going to be showing up next season in a very special guest appearance. I'm going to be playing a Dalek.

They're nothing like Nazis either! Honest!!

Moses Who? He's Hardly Even There!

Yes kids, I’m back! Did you miss me?

I’m recently returned into the bastion of home (ie a dirt-encrusted hellhole out in the middle of nowhere) after returning from a couple of days in Edinburgh (or as you Americans like to say, Edimburroo - learn proper English, you twonks! Or Scottish even) whereupon I won an actual proper award for my writing (okay, you don’t have to believe that, but it’s very definitely totally f%^&ing true, God’s honest truth guv). Thankfully for the lot of you my ‘deeply interesting and accomplished’ (actual genuine quote from a proper well-educated academic and everything) short story most probably will not be showing up around these parts since this blog (for the benefit of you newcomers, ie anyone) is basically a forum for me to rip the piss out of Doctor Who and the world of sci-fi in general. And no, I still haven’t got around to finishing my piece on The Next Doctor, but that will be just around the bend for anyone who’s still waiting on tenterhooks to read it (ie nobody probably).

SHIT

So while I was in a fairly shoddy hotel room in Edinburgh (being a veteran of the hotel trade, I could possibly do a whole entry on things that can go wrong in budget hotels - sugar bowls instead of teacups? Soup spoons instead of desert spoons? Bloodstains on room walls??? No really. I could go on. I won’t) and in the wake of just having been applauded (a lot) for my amazing short story (which made absolutely no f%^&ing sense anyway, so somehow I managed to bamboozle the judge with my incredible visionary prose which might as well have just been scrawled out in ten minutes, on the back door of a toilet stall, in excrement, by an alcoholic psychopath - ie more like this blog) I managed to catch a significant portion of the first and third episodes of Moses Jones on ye olde telly box (I missed the second part and was too lazy to go back and watch it on the BBC iPlayer, since IT ALMOST NEVER F%^&ING EVER WORKS AT ALL, but we’ll probably come back to that thorny issue in later posts).

SPOT THE WHO ACTOR (OR DON'T)

Being not the sort of person who tends to ever bother watching proper ‘drama’ on televison - ie anything that isn’t in some way sci-fi, fantasy or horror-esque - I decided to give this a cursory glance. And what's more, this wasn't even exclusively down to the fact that this bloke Mark E. Smith from out of the Fall had a significant role in it. And maybe he had more to do in part two, but crikey, it was very much a case of don’t blink (no Who-episode related pun intended) or you’ll miss him - I think he only had about two lines in the final episode. Owing to my sporadic paying-of-attention to said series, I unfortunately had very little idea what was going on in the general plot department, other than some reasonably mad stuff to do with immigrant workers, brothels, voodoo and Idi Amin, four subject areas which - going by the general feel of the show - might almost put Moses Jones into the realm of the fantastical.

TWENTYWHAT???

So rather than Who Eleven (playing the unusually-named Dan Twentyman - surely it should have been Doc Elevenman? Okay maybe not) the main star of the show was the always excellent Shaun Parkes, who also starred in the filmed adaptation of Moses Jones writer Joe Penhall’s play Blue/Orange - and, of course, has already been in Nu-Who, back in the season two 2-parter Impossible Planet / Satan Pit. It’s roundabout noticing this that any Doctor Who fan inevitably starts playing the game of ‘Spot the nu-Doctor Who bit-part guest actor who’s a tiny bit more famous and well known now’ when watching virtually anything new on British TV or even in movies - the same sort of rule you can apply to watching old episodes of virtually any long-running television series from the last twenty years or so. (Good grief! There's Someone out of Something showing up in an episode of Diagnosis Murder from ages ago! And they're the flipping murderer! How unbelievably exciting!)

I'VE BEEN IN DOCTOR WHO, GET ME INTO SOMETHING ELSE

There’s also the emerging tendency in the new wave of major British fantasy-type shows to feature actors who have had recent prominent roles in Who - see Being Human, Merlin, Survivors and no doubt the rest, virtually all of which seem to invite a protracted amount of ‘oh look, there’s him out of Voyage Of The Damned / her out of Gridlock / him out of the Shakespeare Code (and that’s just the main cast of Being Human). Moses Jones also featured Indira Varma better known (to some) as the only slightly dead Suzy Costello in Torchwood. Despite all this diversion and despite my not actually paying not that much attention to it, the series was intriguing enough that I’d certainly tune in to another series, with or without Mark E. Smith - who this little article was originally going to be about but, going on how little I saw of him in Moses Jones, I couldn’t really have all that much to say anyway. Other than that he’s definitely an interesting character, and I’m now all the more interested/terrified to see what’s going to happen when he finally takes over from Tenners in Doctor Who.

And for a final comment on Moses Jones, it certainly makes a change to see a mainstream British TV drama where there’s an almost exclusively non-white cast, with Mr. Smith being relegated to playing the often-seen stereotype of ‘token slightly useless white sidekick’ role which in so-many rubbish movies is so often filled by the token black actor. This degree of reverse-role progressive thinking in TV is mildly amusing, and perfectly fine by me.

And when it comes to spotting actors who’ve showed up in Doctor Who, Dennis Waterman also cropped up briefly in Moses Jones. He hasn’t been in Who yet! Surely this can’t be legal. What the hell’s going on?

Smith And Joseph (aka Some Late Reactions)

SEVERAL TIME LORDS LATER...

Oh look! It’s that new guy. Him out of…

Oh no, hang on. What was he out of? Was it school?

So. It was announced the other day (although, if anyone is reading this blog, then the year is probably 2014 and the new Doctor will most probably be someone who hasn’t even been born yet, so adjust your understandings of this post as appropriate) that Robert Smith from out of the Cure has got the job of being 11th Doctor. Surely this is a whole lot of a better development than Mark E. Smith or Patti Smith or Steven Patrick Morrissey out of the Smiths. Can you imagine it? A Miserable Mancunian Doctor! And one with a quiff! That’s practically all the good qualites of Eccleston and Tennant combined in one incarnation!

Or maybe if you squint in some of his photos taken thus far, young Mr. Smith could almost resemble…

THE REAL 11TH DOCTOR!

'Um, ah yes, er, time travel, I know lots about that, because, erm, you know, what I mean to say is, um, Raxiforifali... um. Yes. Relative dimensions in, ah...'

Yes! The evidence is compelling - going by his appearance in the Confidential episode that revealed his assignment to the role, Mr. Smith sounds posh, has mad scarecrow hair, splutters and stammers, waves his hands around and tries vainly to convince us he has authority and knows what he’s talking about! There’s basically no difference at all!

Annoyingly for all of us this recent earthshaking and controversial Who-related revelation has been in great danger of eclipsing the truly important story of the week which is the first proper big review in this here blog - alright we’re a month in and we still haven’t said anything in the least way worthwhile yet, but never mind, let’s keep slogging on.. I did say it was going to be The Next Doctor next, but something else happened. ie, some bloke who actually was the next Doctor.

Yes. Matt Smith! Or John Smith. Or Agent. Or Smith & Jones. Or Smith & Wesson. Or Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang adverts. The next Doctor. One of those.

OI, YOU! YES, YOU! HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? IN ANYTHING? AT ALL???

DON'T WORRY - NO ONE ELSE HAS EITHER! IT'S ALL RIGHT, HE'S NOT A CRIMINAL!

Let’s face it, everything was cruising along nicely, we knew Tenners was finally packing it all in, Christmas was (perhaps thankfully) done and dusted and we had a whole spanking new year of Frankly Not Very Much Doctor Who (Or Indeed Torchwood) to not look forward to. Our palates were sated and there seemed to be no pressing need to go anywhere near the more salubrious corners of tha intraweb in search of any salacious rumours about who the next incarnation of everyone’s fave telly time lord might turn out to be. Going down that route of unending casting speculation is surely the way of madness…

So despite all this tendency to just sit back and wait, there were still the rumours. Oh, the endless, bloody f%^&ing rumours! I’m struck by the temptation at this point to waste your and my precious time going through the contenders one more time, but seeing as how the likelihood of anyone reading any of this at any time prior to the casting of the 13th Doctor (ie 1986) seems distinctly improbable, I’ll assume you either all know full well who was supposedly up for it, or don’t give a flying funt.

So anyway, from out of nowhere on an abrupt Doctor Who Confidential we are presented with this twitchy young whippersnapper of a a gent, raving about building time lords and feeling as if he’s going mad. Matt Smith is the name and Who will be the game, to be spluttered over for whole months to come in a furore of tabloid jittergasm and internet nitwittery. Never has a Doctor been in possession of a name so unremitting ordinary. Rumour has it that Chiwetel Ejiofor is furious that a name as boring as his is getting all the attention and is in negotioations with the post office trying to get his name changed to Dave Henry so that he stands a better chance of nailing the part next time around.

PROOF THAT MOFFAT PLANS TO TAKE DOCTOR WHO IN A NEW DARK, GOTHIC HORROR DIRECTION WITH SEASON 5...

MATT SMITH

FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER

OMG! The terror factor's gonna be off the hook!

DAMN LIES AND STATISTICS

Oh all right, I suppose I have got on to the rumour list. Ejiofor would have made for a great Doctor. As would have Robert Carlyle. As would have the seeming favourite, Paterson Joseph.

Joseph's name was becoming quite heavily tipped in the weeks leading up to the BBC's finally revealing the secret everyone and their grandma had been waiting for. One can only assume the papers, internet and tabloid whisperers were going bonkers for him was because (reasons follow, If you still care...)

1. He's appeared in Doctor Who before, and we all know a bit-part in Who is the absolute guarantee that you'll be coming back as a major character

2. He played a decidedly Doctor-esque characters a good few years back in the mostly misfiring fantasty series Neverwhere

3. he was reasonably well-known, having appeared in stuff like Peep Show, Jekyll and Survivors

4. And, unbelievably -he was -gasp - black! Who’d’ve thought it? An actor who’s actually black! Just like the Chewie who isn’t the Chewie from Star Wars! The tabloid press being so stunned at this revelation regarding an actor's skin colour that they felt the need to mention and point it out at every available opportunity. Anyway, in the wake of all that nonsense, here's Paterson himself, speaking exclusively to televisionoff to clear things up for everybody regarding those perky casting rumours...

(nb not really, these aren't actually his real words, honestly. It's just a load of complete bollocks I've made up. Really!)

A QUICK WORD FROM THE ACTOR PATERSON JOSEPH

Hi there, I'm the actor Paterson Joseph. You might remember me from Aeon Flux and not being the 11th Doctor. Did anyone see me in Aeon Flux? What, really? You did? Oh dear...

Right. Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, don't look around the eyes... three, two one, your under. I, Paterson Joseph, was never in the movie Aeon Flux. In was complete rubbish and didn't make the blindest bit of sense. Pete Postlethaite wasn't in it either. He was dressed up as a huge glowing condom. And Sophie Okeonedo wasn't either, and she had hands instead of feet. What the f%^&ing hell was that about? Never mind - that's besides the point. I definitely was not nor had any involvement with the film Aeon Flux. Got that? Three, two, one... Your back in the room

Oh PS. I'M THE DOCTOR! Only kidding.

ABSOLUTELY NOT FABULOUS

But it wasn't him. Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley were also both mentioned (presumably as some kind of a double act), Bill Nighy (Again? He already played the Ninth Doctor... Or at least, he was for about an hour, according to one particular tabloid ‘fact‘) and Alan Davies's name was also floating around as usual. (Foiled again, QI man! Surely if he is waiting for the call, Davies was been hanging around for that for that job since about 1995!)

Never mind the lesser-likelies - Russell Tovey (Who? Yes, we know who - But not Who!)Catherine Tate (Again, who? It’s not like anyone’s even heard of her. A woman in Doctor Who? It’ll never work!)

And of course, the massively likely and probably completely continuity-destroying Billie Piper. Okay - admittedly this was an off-the cuff joke thrown around by either RTD or David Tennant, which of course the press decided meant that it must automatically become a factual story. A little like the idea of…

'It's me! IT'S MEEEEEE!!! I'm gonna be Captain Jack AND The Doctor! WHOO-HOO! This calls for a song and a dance! And some more camp innuendo!'

'John, I don't think it's you... really... you should calm down...'

'F%^& off, Julie! It definitely is! I should know, I read all of my reviews! And every mention of myself anywhere! Whenever I'm mentioned it's important! Plus, did I mention I was Scottish? I do at every available opportunity! I'm Scottish but I've got the wrong accent! Come on, if Tennant can do that, so can I!'

BARROWMAN. JOHN F%^&ING BARROWMAN

John Barrowman. Yes, ladies and gents, John f%^&ing Barrowman. Lord of the Dance, King Of Panto Loons and Supreme Master of the Grinning Ham as well as singer of Gary Barlow-penned middle-of-the-road pop ballads. Famous for everything apart from his sterling work portraying everyone’s favourite rogue time agent and intergalactic derring man of do, Cap’n Jack. As the 11th Doctor. This would make so much sense I can’t believe it didn’t actually come to pass.

Surely they could have come up with some ridiculous explanation for how Captain Jack’s pesky immortality was really a side effect of him being half-Time Lord. Then he could have done a Vulcan mind-meld with Tennant and sucked all of his Gallifreyan essence into his own mind, leaving David's Doctor collapsed in a shrivelled heap and Barrowman triumphant as the new greatcoated Doctor of Camp. His first line as the Doctor would surely be something like: 'Wow, I’m spent. Sucking you off has worn me out!'

Ahem. So the basic gist of all that was it was none of the above. And so most of it wasn't even bordering on being a story and so wasn't even worthy of any kind of discussion.

Bugger. Wish I'd thought of that before I'd started...

Now onto some serious reaction. Bits and pieces of this next bit were previously posted on the SFX website (quick plug, http://sfx.co.uk/ ) and on an Amazon discussion forum - who I shall credit here only because I believe Amazon supposedly owns copyright of anything you write there, so in case I get sued for plagiarizing someone else’s words. And I was going to give the URL but it's so flipping long that it nearly made Blogger explode. So find it yourself.

DOCTOR WHO (FOR IT IS HE) WAITS PATIENTLY FOR FOREVER TO ARRIVE

'Hmm... hope A taxi'll be along soon. It's just that I haven't got the keys for this old thing yet. Don't want to be late for my appointment with TOTAL FAME!'

So apologies if anyone coming here gets déjà vu - I just thought I made my points rather succinctly there so if in doubt, repeat yourself…

Spoiled then by that fickle mistress the internet - I didn't even know there was a Confidential episode on, the Who production team perhaps thinking they could release the identity of the new Doctor in the hope that maybe nobody would actually notice - but I'm perfectly happy to be completely surprised by someone I've never heard of. The problem with all the tabloid rumour fest meltdown of late is that it's only relatively well-known actors who get tipped - even if the cat was out the bag earlier regarding Matt’s casting, some youngish guy no-one's heard of isn't going to be much of a story in the Sun, online or wherever. I remember hearing about Tennant’s casting and in the same way thinking, ’who? I’m sure I’ve seen him in something…’

And indeed, Mr. Tennant had been a well-established thesp for some 15-odd years before bagging the job of Who - just not all that famous. Yet. We shall of course just have to wait to see how such a yungun will handle this legendary role - especially like the already floating-around idea of Smith getting a companion who’s significantly older than his Doctor will appear to be, but I suspect it’s not all that likely.

And of course, the naysayers have already been out in force to try and besmirch Mr. Smith’s acting talent, appearance, hairdo, background, tone of voice, and inante not-being-blackness. I’m one of those folks who would have been perfectly happy to see something hugely controversial (only in the minds of those who surely aren’t proper fans of the series) to see a non-white actor or even, gosh, a woman take the role - but Matt Smith is who we’ve got to be going on with.

As for the criticism and the idea that Smith is too young and inexperienced to play the part, well to play devil’s advocate for a moment, back in ye olde days when the series was teetering on its last legs, Colin Baker and then Sylvester McCoy were distinctly questionable actors to cast in the role - in fact, all Doctors after Hartnell saw some form of criticism being thrown at them for deviating from the established norm the previous actor had established. And to be fair although its often implied that it was either Baker II or McCoy who ‘killed’ the show, back in the late eighties Doctor Who was a cash-strapped sticky-back plastic disaster struggling to stay afloat and certainly didn't have the finances, quality control, critical acclaim and a generally SF-friendly climate to work in. The lead actor frequently bears the brunt of the blame when other things entirely out of their hands are going wrong.

Some viewers might have specific issues with Nu-Who but there almost seems to be a section of fandom (that’s not me kids, don’t worry) who talk as if they’d rather see the series axed and taken off the air because it's occasionally guilty of trying to appeal to a broader demographic. Surely that's an argument that holds no water…

Matt Smith might be young and unknown, but he's just going to be another cog in the grand Who machine which has always been a bigger engine that doesn't exclusively depend on its star. The show isn't rubbish, and unless Steven Moffat suddenly decides he hates the show and starts deliberately making it bad (which so many cheery negativists already seem to be wanting him to do) then it will carry on, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but more often than not, usually pretty excellent and at the very least, entertaining. Which is all Who really is - just a piece of entertainment to occasionally provoke us all and make us think, laugh or go hmmm.

That's enough for all of us, surely. Cheer up, people - we'll probably get a black woman as the Doctor next time around... then and then the miserablists can really get upset.

Plus anyone out there scanning various websites and listening to certain Doctor Who-related podcasts will probably have already heard and read several people getting awfully premature and having a go at the very idea of the Doctor being black - criticising Paterson Joseph (based on not very much knowledge of his acting talents, and who knows if he was ever up for the part?) and claiming that the Doctor should never be black, or Asian, or a woman. Or a horse. And getting up on your high horse about Matt Smith being too young and supposedly Goth-looking is just as silly and pointless a debate to start as the whole race/sex one, which has turned out to be a non-starter anyway. Do you think when they offered him the part, Matt thought 'hm, surely I don't have the gravitas to portray someone hundreds of years older than me convincingly. The Who fans will be all over me on this one! I shall not accept the job?'

Come on. Any of the moaning Who fans out there posting or blogging who might flirt with acting would accept the job in a second were it hypothetically offered to you, regardless of whether you're fifteen or fifty. It's amazing how miserable and cynical some Who fans can be...

AT LAST! THE TRUTH ABOUT ALL THOSE COMPANIONS IN THE FRAME (AGAIN)

'Hang on... why are we in Dubai? On a bus? And who are you? You're not Lily Allen! I was promised Lily Allen! Or Billie Piper, yet again!'

'Er... No, David - I'm Michelle Ryan, aka Zoe from EastEnders and A Sexy Witch in Merlin. Russell told me that Sexy Witches are officially Right In at the moment. So here I am! On this bus! In Dubai! Looking mildly uncomfortable cos I'm not quite sure where that hand's going!'

'You're the sexy witch from out of Merlin! Looking mildly uncomfortable because you're not quite sure where that hand's going!'

'Yes. That's what I said. I'm definitely not Bionic anymore though, I checked. That cleared right up. Apparently the cream was very effective. It cancelled that terrible rash after only eight episodes!'

'Look, I don't care about your personal problems! No, woman, this is simply not acceptable! We had sexy witches back in the Shakspeare Code. Look , is says in my contract, I will not have this many sexy witches in a series! It's clear evidence of a decline in standards...'

'Er - okay... Well I was in Eastenders for quite a long while so I'm extremely proficient in the one true television accent - I learnt my trade spending several seasons undertudying at the London School Of Cockernee Shouting, from which I graduated with a Masters in Bleedin' Apples And Pears, Guv. Surely this qualifies me for a role in your esteemed television programme?'

'Oh. I'm terribly sorry Michelle, I appear to have misunderestimated you. If you can Cockernee Shout, then you're welcome aboard! The bus! Haha! We've never had a companion like that before!

'Ow's yer farvur, penny farving, chicken in a basket, gor blimey mister! Let's run around and get knocked over by explosions, Doctahh!

'Er, right on Michelle. Sorted! Veras! Geezer! Eeza good, eeza good!'

SOME UNKNOWN THREAD TIES ALL THESE THINGS TOGETHER, AND IT ISN'T BEES

And then there's the issue of the companion. One name that has thus far been floating around the rumour-cloud (that's a new thing that I've just invented, probably the big monster that mortally wounds Tennant's Doctor and causes him to regenerate - Just wait and see!) has been that of vaguely irritating pop starlet-slash-TV presenter-slash fashion icon and yoof voice Lily Allen.

Admittedly, this is a rumour that has most probably been concocted by the tabloids in search of something resembling a follow-up story to the news of Matt Smith, who tend to base their Doctor Who exclusives on either Chinese Whispers or sheer made-up bobbins. What's that, you say? A vaguely controversial pop star becoming the companion of a new Doctor? Well it's happened once already...

Whoever it turns out to be - and at the time of writing it has been revealed that former Bionic woman Michelle 'You're my muvver!' Ryan is going to be showing up in at least one of Tennant's final episodes - I'm at least willing to leave it up to the production team to worry about who's likely to be coming on board. Michelle Ryan would certainly seem to be typical companion material - for those who might not know, I read a while back that she auditioned for the role of Rose back when they were casting the new series, but lost out to Billie Piper. So maybe there's giving her a shot... That's got to be a better career move than Bionic Woman, anyway. Or being 'token sexy evil sorceress woman' in Merlin. Don't worry, if you can't wait for some proper full-scale vitriol, we'll be having a go at Merlin in coming posts... and it'll probably be bloody.

HELLO, BOYS!

Michelle Ryan as she probably won't be appearing in Doctor Who

Something else Michelle Ryan probably won't be doing in Doctor Who. PHWOOARR! etc.

Hang on, isn't that Matt Smith ogling her in an exclusive screecap from season 5? NO HANKY-PANKY IN THE TARDIS! NOOO!!!

OH GOD THE POST STILL ISN'T FINISHED YET

Coming back to Matt Smith, after all the hoo-ha (most of which was again probably misheard or made up by various media outlets) suggesting any number of well-established actors were in the running for the part, I personally think it's refreshing to see someone I know nothing about and about whom have no preconcieved ideas. Yes, he's young, yes, he looks a tiny bit like an 80's Goth throwback, but Steven Moffat and those elite chaps at Doctor Who HQ have obviously decided he's the best man for the job. So that's good enough for me.

As people have pointed out, Doctor Who is broadly a kids show but has often lunged uncomfortably between trying to appeal to intelligent, sophisticated grown-ups and the kiddie audience. The only problem now is whether Moffat's going to make the decision to bin the more adult leanings of the series and try and turn it into even more of a children's adventure show, or not. Which, to be fair, was all it was back in 1963. It's pretty much an accident it's still around today...

BLOODY TIME LORDS

'Smith, you say? Who is this young rapscallion? Can't say I've ever heard of him. Now, where were we? Susan? Hello? Who am I, again?'

So I'm not going to be condemning Smith yet. We've all got well over a year to wait and see what he's going to do with the part. The show has reinvented itself on countless occasions, and will do again. Plus he does have very impressive hair...

Tennant is a very solid and versatile actor and has absolutely cemented himself into the role but more often than not he did seem to be basing his performance as the Doctor - with those over-enunciated vocal inflections - on Rowan Atkinson circa Blackadder. He has also been especially good at keeping the character kiddie-friendly, no doubt aware that this was what Tom Baker always used to do, and this was probably the reason Baker was held for a long time to be the greatest actor to play the part - a position Tennant seems to have now sneakily usurped.

'yes... yes I know... I am brilliant. No, honestly, you don't have to tell me... oh, go on then... just one more time...'

There were also a lot of rumours floating around that Christopher Eccleston wasn't too happy about playing the role - or at least, wasn't comfortable about becoming any kind of a role model for kids and geeks alike, as it perhaps besmirched his 'proper big serious actor who doesn't do interviews' image - and this was why he only signed on for one short season. Tennant was clearly happy to hold on for just a tiny bit longer, and only long enough that he could feel safe leaving the part in the knowledge that no one had really come to hate him yet. Or at least, not with a good reason... A lot of the acclaim Tennant has garnered for his work on the series also had to do with his not only being a well established and acclaimed actor, but also a huge fan of the series. Matt Smith might have to try a little bit harder to impress.

I think my personal opinion overall regarding the new series is that the first season is still the strongest overall, and lot of this has to do with the fact that, going under Eccleston's interpretation, the writers and creative team on the show were never going to make it all that silly. I suspect Tennant has been more easy-going about the potentially more absurd, camp, daft or cheesy soap-opea romance elements that have been been dumped into the series thus far and so alienated a lot of old-skool fans.

And, speaking as someone who has quite boringly read a fair few of the far-more-mature Doctor Who novels that were published while the series was off the air, there was one where the Doctor gets to have sex with a planet. I'd like to see Matt Smith trying that…

Back on the companion front... maybe they could just get Billie Piper back full time and have done with it. Martha and Donna were both essentially the exact same character, only written a tiny bit differently. Either they need to come up with something radically different companion-wise (which, as I'm sure you can all assume, Lily Allen would so not be) or just get The Pied Piper back in to pout and occasionally wear dungarees. Okay, sure, she's trapped in another dimension never to return... well she returned from it once, why not again? There's no rules in Doctor Who, despite what all the continuity-citing moaners and nitpickers might claim.

Billie the Pied Piper considers coming back to play Rose one final time. While behaving inappropriately in a restaurant. Luckily the paparazzi where there to capture to moment for Who fans to learn of her final decision.

'What, for season 5? Brilliant! I'll be there! Tennant's gone, you say? Fantastic - I was bloody sick of Tennant!'

LET'S ALL COUNT TO 13

And as with the whole idea that the Doctor only has 12 (or 13) incarnations, come on, that's just waiting to get rewritten at some point or another! The whole idea of regeneration was only ever created out of necessity anyway, in order to find a means of keeping the show going for a few more years back in 1966 when William Hartnell wanted to leave the show - or got fired, depending on who you listen to...

Some have understandably mooted the idea that Elizabeth Sladen should come back for another appearance to 'ease the transition' or whatever they might claim would actually be happening... or, more shockingly than that, have her back full time as a companion. I'd wager that this is an extreme outside possibilty at best, seeing as how Sladen's probably still too busy looking hysterically over-shocked and over-scared as she faces down yet another ridiculous-looking monster in her own show to rejoin the Doctor.

Just like 30-odd years ago. You think she'd be bored of it by now. Imagine her and Matt Smith! Imagine the sexual tension! They'd have to put that out VERY after the watershed! It'd be like Granny porn!

(Not that I'd know anything about that, of course. I only watch Grandpa porn. You wouldn't catch me watching filth.)

In trying to bring this whole ramble to some sort of a resolution, Russell T. Davies said on more than a few occasions that one of the main things he tried to do in bringing Doctor Who back - something that had virtually never been done in the show's past - was to try and make it as appealing as possible to young kids and younger women in particular. And this was one of the big reasons why the new series has been so hugely successful.

In the past the show was virtually always the domain of the middle-aged fanboy or sci-fi geek and had whole storylines (Tom Baker's last in particular) revolving around such casual-audience friendly topics as advanced mathematics - block transfer computation to be exact - thrilling stuff, if you don't fall asleep...

With all this modernizing came the idea of casting a younger, 'cooler' Doctor, rather than the bumbling old codger of first Doc William Hartnell - who had to leave the show apparently because he was so doddery and had so much difficulty getting his lines right that they had to get rid of him... or even Tom Baker's legendary mad uncle.

TV has changed to the extent that it's now far more common to have the target audience starring in a show rather than the older authority figues who used to supposedly be there for kiddywinks to look up to... add this to the fact that kids TV presenters and DJs all now tend to be about 19 as opposed to 'the olden days' (ie your childhood, whenever that was) when they were very often Quite Old. Or at least now they all talk like they're about 19... that's just the way things go, the voice of yoof has spoke and it would prefer a young Doctor - innit.

Davies - or it might have been Steven Moffat - also said that casting an older Doctor now - say someone in his fifties - would make the energetic, action-packed and chase-erific nature of the new series almost impossible since they'd probably wind up giving the lead actor a heart attack owing to far too much dangling off of buildings and getting knocked over by explosions.

So in short, that'll probably never happen. Odds are when Matt Smith leaves the role and if the series is still going, we might easily get an 18-year old taking over and it'll just be Skins in Outer Space...

And Neil Morrissey wasn’t even the real next Doctor either. What a f$%^ing liar.

'No, I wasn't. Now sod off and leave me alone. I'm almost as miserable about being associated with Doctor as that other Morrissey - Heaven knows I'm miserable now, etc.'

That’s the Mr. Smith stuff sorted then. And now, seeing as it’s still no doubt still lingering on in people’s minds - although perhaps without the benefit of a great deal of hindsight, something I shall be attempting to utilize in coming posts, where very-old things will probably be trashed in much the same manner as the very recent, so c’est la piss - it’s time to rip The Next Doctor into lots of very small urchin-shaped pieces. And we’ll hear nothing more of this Matt fellow.

Just about time before that then for a couple of completely random quotes from this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, which I have been perhaps foolish enough to watch significant portions of. The best quote of the day (although again, by the time anyone reads this it’ll be two years down the line and Russell T. Davies will have just been voted out of the house for being too loud and opinionated, and just going on about bloody Doctor Who all the time, it's not as if he's ever done anything else for flip's sake) comes from Tina Malone, who made the quite spectacular announcement -

‘Any fat bird who says she’s proud to be a fat bird is a fat fucking liar.’

Well. Never were truer words spoken. And stuff.

And then there was Michelle Heaton who said dropped the major philosophical wonder worthy of Buddha himself -

‘If I knew now what I knew then about the third chilli, then it would never have passed my lips.’

Knew when? What? What chilli? Whose lips??? THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY F%^&ING SENSE!!!

I hope you've all learned something from the above. Cos I certainly haven't.

Goodbye. Next time, Next Doctor. Unless I think of anything less important.

'No, I don't know what I'm doing here either. Is it cos I'm the new companion? No? Anyone? What am I famous for again?'

The Regeneration Story You Might Have Missed...

CONCLUSIVE PROOF IF IT SHOULD BE NEEDED THAT THE US PRESIDENT IS A TIME LORD

Here's the true footage you DIDN'T see during the inauguration.

That's why Barack stumbled over the swearing-in - he'd just regenerated!

Does this mean that Gordon Brown is the prime minister-equivalent of Sylvester McCoy? ie, nobody likes a Scottish person taking the reigns over a traditionally English institution. Politics is just like Doctor Who!

Mind you, Gordon Brown did reportedly see a speech therapist and has I believe been accused of using Estuary English phrasing in his speech...

Hey, Gordon, just try putting on a bit of an English accent! Then everyone'll love you! They won't even notice you're Scottish! It worked for Tennant in the popularity stakes, it can work for you!

Change my dear - and it seems, not a moment too soon!

One Of The Smiths Is The New Doctor!

'Hello-uh. I am-uh, the new Doctor-uh. If you've got time-uh, let me lecture you on abstract stuff like football and politics to a catchy post-punk beat. Uh.'

'No, Mark, I'm the new Doctor - what the hell is wrong with you? I'm a proper Goth. And I've got mad hair - It must be me! It's making me depressed just thinking about it.'

'Forget it you losers. We did get a woman Doctor after all! Now, let me read you some pretentious beat poetry about why I will be the best Time Lord of all...'

'Excuse me... I think you'll all find that I'm the original Smith. So let's have no more of this ridiculous false speculation. Plus I'll be wearing a daffodil in my lapel. That can't possibly go wrong... And I was in the Next Doctor as I'm sure you all remember...'

'Haha you bunch of ming-mongs! You're all wrong! Yes, that's right - I, Paterson Joseph, have got the job! IN YOUR FACE, BITCHES!!!

Although I did have to mud-wrestle this guy Barack Obama for the job. No idea who he was - some wannabe. He was so gutted at losing and not getting to fulfill his childhood dream of being an eccentric hero who travels all over the place trying to defeat evil and protect the weak.

No idea what he's doing now. Probably appearing in Casualty or something...'

Yes, kids, even more of this pointless drivel coming up very soon... some proper talk about the new Doctor. Yes, really. The actual next Doctor... oh hang on. That was Morrissey, though -wasn't it?

The Curious Case Of The Pointless Scooters

(OR, A POINTLESS SCENE FROM THE RUNAWAY BRIDE RE-EDITED TO IMPROVE IT AND WITHOUT ALL THE POINTLESS GURNING AND LAUGHING)

'Oi, Doctah, oo says there ain't enuff scootahs in the new series?'

'I'm sorry Donna, I can't understand your poor syntax and cockernee shouting. You wouldn't catch me talking like that, no sir. What was that you were saying about scooters?'

'No, I said, Doctor Who says there ain't enuff scootahs in the new series!'

'I did? When did I say that?'

'You got cloth ears or summink? That's the new gimmick for next season! Mark E. Smith is gonna be riding around on a scootah! It'll be a time scootah! Time and relative dimension in scootahs! It's wot all the cool kids are doing nowadays!'

'Oh my giddy aunt, Donna. I fear you have failed to prefigure that crashing revelation about the new series with a loud cloister bell of a spoiler alert. However will the ming-mongs react to such a shocking alteration of the target demographic?'

'Wot you 'arping on abaht??? All I was saying woz that there was definitely going to be scootahs next year! Will you just give it a rest, Mr. Spock?'

'Oh. I fear I realise what has happened. You seem to have temporarily slipped into another timey-wimey paradox and like Nostradamus getting everything twisted accidentally seen an episode of Remembrance of the Daleks where I think Ace had a skateboard. What an unfortunate misunderstanding.'

'Phew. Strike a light Mary Poppins. That's a bleedin' relief. At least no-one's done anyfink bleedin' stoopid like cast a 26-year old as the new Doctahh or nuffink.'

'Oh dear. Donna, I fear I have some very bad news for you...'

'Wot, that I'm going to turn into a time lady or summink or nuffink, and then lose my mind and forget all abaaht yer, or summink?'

'No, Donna - that'll probably never happen either since that would be hugely ridiculous. It's just that... well as a prefiguring of the next entry by our master blogger, I felt it would perhaps be apposite to raise the subject of this new young whippersnapper who will in nary a year be taking over from me as the Best Actor In The World. And just to keep things fresh and all-shook-up, he'll be doing the whole thing with a Scottish accent. Everybody absolutely loved it the last time that happened!'

'I ain't got a f%^*ing clue wot you're goin on abaaht, Doctah. What a f%^&ing liberty! How very dare you! I wasn't anyfink like my other characters! THAT'S WHY THEY KILLED ME OFF!!!'

'Hang on. Am I on very strong drugs? What am I doing trapped in this existential nightmare? I'm going down this improbably green corridor on a scooter thing and I'm about to get killed by a giant over-acting spider woman who doesn't do stairs. When will this madness cease?????

And is there any need for this blogger chap to say anything further about the Runaway Bride and its skilful co-opting of scooters other than what has already been stated above?????'

'Yes. And no, you’re quite right, Other Bloke - your being on very strong hallucinogens - or at least some form of incorrectly prescribed medication - must be the only explanation for why a child’s scooter is now talking to you in a slightly condescending manner. F%^& knows what I’ve got to do with any of this. I’m only a f%^&ing scooter for f%^&’s sake.

Get a grip, man… didn’t you read the leaflet? Do not operate heavy machinery! Or ride scooters through secret underground facilites in sub-standard Christmas specials revolving around the introduction of irritating comedy companions in wedding dresses! You’ve only got yourself to blame! Now drink some water and go and lie down for an hour or so. Maybe then you’ll realise that this whole experience has just been a terrible chemical-induced nightmare.

Haha only kidding, you spanner! You’re still going to get horribly killed by that scary spider woman! It’s all real! You’re totally f%^&ed! This is just like the last episode of the Prisoner! Only more mad and with a talking scooter.'

THANK SUTEKH THAT'S OVER

Christ. This is like something out of Naked Lunch! We’re fast approaching literature! Unlike Nu-Who!

Credit goes to http://time-and-space.co.uk/ for the screencaps. They've got millions of pics from Who just waiting for idiots like me to caption them and rewrite the new series so that, in a parallel dimension, it will all be so much better. There will be more. Be very afraid.

Come back next time around for some astute discussion regarding professional pop binnman Mark E. Smith out of the Fall getting the job of being the new Doctor. Yes-uh, I am-uh, a Time-uh Lord-uh...

An Unneccessary Discussion Regarding Labels

'Hello, we are some labels.

One of which is for Gaylord Farm in Vermont. Even we shudder at the very idea of what might go on in such a terrifyingly named establishment. We can only imagine that it might be a bit like the Torchwood episode Countrycide, except with more extreme Kenneth Williams-ness. '

'Sticky labels? On the internet? Oooooh I say! They've all got it in for me!'

STOP LABELLING US

Okay, the reason for all this supernatural conversation with sticky bits of paper has been that Blogger has just suggested some quite bewildering label examples for a Doctor Who-centric blog; scooters, holidays and autumn. Er, wot?

To be perfectly honest, I can't even see the point of labels - come on, just read the whole thing, that's significantly easier than just jumping randomly around like an ASBO hoodie who can't quite decide which individual word they want to attempt to tackle first. I don't know if these deeply oblique suggestions make for common occurrences around the blogosphere but I kind of doubt any of these things will be making major appearances in any of my reviews of past or indeed future episodes of Doctor Who.

Although there every chance that I might invite the ghost of Kenneth Williams back to review Love And Monsters. Oh Christ, I've said it now - so that's definitely a shoo-in. I think he's free on Thursdays.

Although now I think of it, Christmas is a holiday... and whatever those wheeled buggy things Tenners, Tate and The Other Bloke were hilariously riding around on in The Runaway Bride could perhaps be classified as scooters…

SOMETHING REALLY BAD'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN

Oh well. Something to look forwards to on the labelling front. Haven't got any actual proper labels for this one. Sticky ones don't count. You'll just have to make do with reading the thing. That's usually enough for me.

Perhaps regrettably for all of us, this idea of scooters and their previously unexplored relationship with Doctor Who led me onto revisiting a ‘key scene’ (well there had to be one) in previous Christmas special The Runaway Bride.

So it is this along with the monumental news regarding the casting of a new Doctor that we shall so helpfully explore, in just two shakes of your Earth minutes. ie in the next post. Don’t say you haven’t been warned, etc…

Oh and addendum - I've changed my flipping mind! There will be labels after all. So just ignore this entire post and you'll feel a whole lot better about yourself.

Finally, Some Kind Of Explanation

A QUICK LOOK AT SOME PUBLICITY


Whoo-hoo! They're showing it in America! And they're trying to convince everyone that it actually is a big-budget, sci-fi action spectacular! Boy, will they be disappointed!!!

Plus, where the hell's Ianto? And why is Tosh so tiny? And why has Gwen got her mouth shut? SOMETHING HAS GONE TERRIBLY AWRY WITH THIS MARKETING CAMPAIGN!!!

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Okay. So picking up on what I writed about in the last post - and if anyone out there actually bothered to read it this time around - that did pretty much sum up my feelings about Torchwood at the time. I have a weird relationship with Torchwood, and we’ll probably go into that in greater depth in later articles (when I'm not just taking the piss via the medium of random pictures) but for now I’ll mention again as I did in the sidebar that yes, I am still currently in the process of writing three Torchwood novels.

Yes. Three. You didn’t misread that and think the world had temporarily ended and everyone had gone completely insane (although it probably has done that within the realms of continuity - that happened in that Torchwood audio play about CERN and the Large Hardon Collider. Now that really did sound like an almighty disaster - but again, more on that story later).

Really I’m doing it as a creative exercise, and also because, having gone from a position of thinking the series was absolute ridiculous rubbish (with the trough of an episode, ‘Adam’ near the front of season two, where I just couldn’t stop laughing at John Barrowman’s panto acting - come on, I like the guy, but he must be the most melodramatic hammer in existence, carving his dramatic monologues out of a solid edifice of living cheddar - and something like that actually happened in the episode ‘Meat‘ if I recall correctly) to a place where I can actually see the potential of the show as a living breathing entity of sorts.

THIS IS ALREADY TAKING UP FAR TOO MUCH TIME

There’s a massive amount of potential in the setup and the basic premise of the series which the creators of the show seem to have thus far walked right past - and it is this which I’m trying to look at in the stuff I’m writing, pushing the architecture of the show into a more sophisticated and psychedelic fantasy epic kind-of place. It might also be pertinent to mention at this point that the Doctor will also be showing up at some point during proceedings, and that there will be at least one Fairly Big Thing from the annals of Doctor Who past showing up to play a major part.
That’s probably all by the by - the original idea for this blog was to chronicle my writing of these novels, but for the time being that’s on the backburner and we shall be focusing almost exclusively on televison reviews - again, mainly of Nu-series Doctor Who.

Actually, scratch that - I've contradicted myself already having discovered the wonders of screencaps (more cred to http://time-and-space.co.uk/) which allow a significant amount of leeway re serious and boring writing and plenty excuse for demented lateral thinking and abstract 'analysis.' The novels are still ongoing, so I might pop back to tell you all (yes, all of you, when you all show up) about them when they spurt kicking and screaming out into eventual daylight. As of now, avvin a larf must rate as being the primary concern.

WHO PLUS WHAT EQUALS LOTS

And, along with Torchwood, it won’t always be all about Doctor Who. In coming posts I’ll be swinging my huge analysis lens over the recent smash-hit US likes of Fringe, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and Bionic Woman (okay, maybe not so much of that) and the recent spat-out-by-Who’s-success British TV offerings such as Merlin, Survivors, Primeval, Demons and Being Human.

The second big and at-least-fairly serious review will proably keep things in the Whoniverse by having a good old runaround with Sarah Jane and the Invasion Of The Bane. For the record, I still haven’t decided whether that’s a load of tosh (no, not that Tosh) or awe-inspiring genius television. We shall all find out later on.

There’s probably a chance of some printed word assessment also: several of the fairly recent Torchwood novels are still lying in a heap behind my vegetating form, so I shall be paying an at least reasonable amount of attention to them. We might also be having a reappraisal of some of the Virgin New Adventures and BBC Eighth Doctor novels also...

For those of us who really want to go back in time, the venerable lord-god-messiah Sir Russell Jesus Mohammed Gandhi T Davies’s earlier projects might also be in line for a pondering, probably starting way back in the day with the pre-Sarah Jane Adventures confection that was Dark Season. It’s better than all of Sylvester McCoy’s stories put together! Fact.

HATE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

In case you’re getting the wrong impression here, I don’t hate Doctor Who. My basic ideas about what I’d like to see in the series as it stands today will become apparent as things go on (and believe me, they will go on, and on and on) although I might issue the disclaimer at this point that the overall tone of my criticism (yeah, let’s call it that) often veers into realms of the deliberately flippant and/or comedic. So please, if you want to leave comments by all means jump in, criticise my style and approach or offer helpful advice and pointers but if you’re one of those angry sorts who just wants to swear and insult me having missed the overall point of things, then I probably won’t dignify you with a response. Unless it's funny. There are enough idiots on the internet as it is. Me being one of them.

Despite all that, you all look like thoroughly decent people (at least from where I’m sitting) and are very welcome to join me on my little quest to go far into the furthest reaches of nowhere and anywhere and then not come back again.

So let’s begin. A start is as good as any. And this is one of them.

Bloody Torchwood (A Proper Grown-Up Review)

A WORD FROM YOUR BLOWFISH ELECT

'Hello. Is this the audition for X Factor? It's just that I've got a really unique USP. I’m a blowfish. Haven’t had many of those now, have you?

Come on, Simon? Surely you can't just smugly dismiss my utterly individual cover version of Aqua Marina, the theme from Stingray?

Now Cheryl, surely you in all your manifest WAG wisdom can see fit to vote a blowfish through to the regional finals? I'm the new minority, and we all know audiences love an underdog! Remember when you were here in my place, struggling to prove your talent to an uncaring world... you weren't just a slightly annoying child model from Newcastle, you were a f%^&ing star!

Like Barack says, we can do it, yes we can! If Geri Halliwell proved that Girl Power was a valid form of feminist protest, then I'm flying the flag for blowfish power!

And it doesn't even matter that I'm just a snappy gimmicky scene-opener for season two to hook the audience back in! Remember the struggles of Martin Luther King, Emily Pankhurst, Rosa Parks, Germaine Greer, Harvey Milk, Saint Geri Halliwell...

One day, my children, we will get to the PROMISED LAND!!!

Unless someone comes along and cruelly assassinates me. Of course that's never going to happen.

Hang on - who that dashing human in the greatcoat with the Webley? Oh bugg -'

MODERATELY SERIOUS, HE SAID

'Hey, guys, I've got a question - what do think are the chances that all of us are actually standing here together in the street and haven't just been photoshopped in from a multitude of different locations?

Oh. No one's answering me... how strange!'

ADVANCE WARNING

Right. As I said in a previous post, here’s a halfway serious appraisal of my basic feelings about Torchwood thus far. I wrote this about a week before I perhaps misguidedly decided I was going to write three Torchwood fan novels purely for a laugh. They’re all plotted out but haven’t quite spluttered into gear yet - but rest assured, they will appear at some point or another - in the meantime here’s some borderline dated opinion.

'No honest - we really were all just standing like that - that's exactly what the CCTV caught. It was another slow alien day, to be honest and since Martha was round and Owen wasn't dead yet we just thought we'd all stand around for a while posing. Honest, Guv!'

UNWANTED AMAZON BITCH-FEST, NUMBER 1

Okay - I know the boxset isn’t out yet - but I figured if Amazon is listing it, I’d better get in quick with my appraisal of the run thus far. The general impression one gets from Season Two of Torchwood is of a series still hampered by not quite knowing where to go and what to do when it gets there.

For me, Torchwood still seems to have two quite severe problems - obvious budgetary constraints and a almost cloying desire to appeal to the widest possible demographic. What makes these complaints of mine all the odder is that it seems to be these very shortcomings that are contributing to Torchwood’s huge success thus far.

Coming to the money issue, don’t get me wrong - Torchwood never looks cheap. In fact, it looks anything but - performances, scripts, lighting, music and sound design, sets and special effects… all of the above are always top-notch. The root of my problem is that the programme’s creators cautiously limit themselves in the type of series they want to make.

Many have observed that the show’s concept - a top-secret pseudo-governmental organization protecting the world from alien incursions - is perfectly sound and should, like the X-Files, provide almost limitless opportunity for exploring all manner of extraterrestrial and supernatural shenanigans - but despite this, Torchwood’s first season was already repeating itself halfway through its run.

A FUN GAME FOR FANS OF TORCHWOOD

Hey kids! See if you can figure out the name of a well-known television programme just from these two images -

Yes that's right - It's Twin Peaks!

MORE OF THE SAME

Creator Russell T. Davies has said on a few occasions that he has no intention of trying to slavishly imitate American sci-fi shows - but then, instead of doing this and introducing such crazy concepts as a wider ensemble cast, more complex and intellectually stimulating arc storylines and, crikey, some aliens wouldn’t go amiss, the showrunners instead try to make everything seem slick, movie-like, sexy and dramatic on the clearly limited resources they freely admit to, and wind up regularly shooting themselves in the foot by degenerating into Eastenders-style grim soap opera rather than anything more imaginative; leaving at times little more than a glossy surface sheen, composed of much artifice and little real substance.

The one show Torchwood seems to be content in ripping off the most in terms of general style and approach is the BBC’s own Spooks (or MI5 to you Americans out there) which has virtually the same set -up and premise as Torchwood, even down to the secret high-tech base, squabbling, unstable team-mates and a generally amoral boss deputizing his top agents out on field missions and undercover. All you have to do is replace the word ‘terrorists’ with ‘aliens‘.

ALIENS: NOT ACTUALLY HERE ALL THAT OFTEN, REVEALS TOP-SECRET WELSH ORGANIZATION

Ah, yes. Don’t mention the aliens - Torchwood did a couple of times but I think it got away with it. For an organization combating exactly these particular extraterrestrial beings, the best we’ve had so far this year has been human-looking memory stealers (not the first rebuffing of a vintage accessible science fiction cliché) human-looking alien sleeper agents (or Battlestar spooks with T-1000 knife-arms) more World War time-romance (sci-fi cliché-flogging) alien slug-munching (bizarre but boring - remember meat is murder, kids) the unfairly-shunted-out-of-Doctor-Who (is anyone bovvered?) Freema Agyeman showing up (and going swiftly away again), someone dying (and then not dying) and - surely the highpoint - him off of Buffy, still doing a silly English accent.

And Richard Briers. And alien impregation. And Jim from Neighbours being evil. So far so so-so peculiar.

HEY KIDS! MORE LARKS!

See if you can spot the differences between these two pictures of a terrifying Doctor Who monster -

A WEEVIL

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

Yes that's right - there absolutely no f%^&ing difference at all! Congratulations!
One of them's a snarling, grotesque and menacing publicity-shy creature of the night, and the other one's a Weevil!

A NORMAL SHOW FOR NORMAL PEOPLE

Then there’s those flipping Weevils. Which still don’t seem to have anything useful to do except wear Christopher Eccleston’s cast-off leather jacket and snarl at people a bit. This brings me back around to my second issue; Torchwood’s clear decision to convince the world that no, this isn’t some geeky pointy-eared spaceships-and-rayguns franchise - it is, in fact, a NORMAL show, for NORMAL people! Which will only ever have one alien in it at a time, like some corner shop dictate barring unruly kids. All within is done very well, is not spectacularly - those of us out there constantly wishing for something to challenge the likes of Battlestar Galactica or the excellent new Terminator series might have to hang on a while.

Despite all this, things do take off this season. There is a greater sense of purpose to the show that at least keeps hinting bigger things are coming. Owen stops being a utter tit and starts to acquire some depth. Tosh is given fractionally more to do. And Gwen nearly stops moaning all the time...

A GAY SHOW? HOW QUEER!

And as for those people constantly complaining about the supposedly gratuitous amount of gay and/or bisexual characters and content in the series, please: stop bloody moaning. If you don’t like gay people, go watch a soap opera - no offence meant, but the year is 2008 and it’s quite normal, or at least should be, to have many more halfway realistic gay characters in popular mainstream TV shows - which is at least what Torchwood is, despite what other people might say.

It was certainly the case that the first series was often guilty of shoehorning gay references in willy-nilly (oo er missus etc) and ‘metaphorical’ same-sex interactions (usually between a member of the team and some nefarious LGBT alien - this did happen a few times so as to almost not be coincidental) as if desperately trying to attract more gay viewers or just gain some notoriety, although at least this time around nothing feels overly forced, and the ever-bubbling relationship between not-always gung-ho Captain Jack and whipping-boy Ianto finally smacks of realism rather than titillation.

But despite all my portents of doom, personally I’m becoming inclined to believe that Torchwood might just prove to have a potentially longer shelf-life than the new Doctor Who - which, judging from its tendency to just be just far too silly and childish rather than intelligent and well-written, is managing to alienate a significant portion of Who-fandom, leaving it severely hamstrung by always having to stay primarily a kids’ show.

And at least it’s not Primeval. For that alone surely we can all feel grateful. Plus; that show’s got the exact same premise as well. Just replace ‘alien’ with dinosaur and ‘rift’ with ‘badly CGI’d hole in space.’ I could go on…

STUN EXCLUSIVE: TORCHWOOD ACTRESS ADMITS WHO SPIN-OFF SHOW IS 'PROPER RUBBISH'

'I tried to deny it for so long but I was living a lie... I'm a proper actress you know, I've been in Dickens... oh and an episode of Merlin - that's at least four hundred times better than Torchwood! I shouldn't be wasting my copious talent and sexy gap-tooth-big-hair look on bollocks like Torchwood...

Oh plus John Barrowman is a total bellend. He keeps going on about how he's from Glasgow and putting on this ridiculous accent, but I'm pretty sure he's talking out of his arse. Plus he keeps showing me his cock... this has got to be sexual harrassment, surely.

Did I mention I was a proper actress and everything? I was in a play once... no one who watches Doctor Who ever saw it of course so there's virtually no point in my mentioning it here. But it did actually happen...'