The Curious Case Of The Pointless Scooters

(OR, A POINTLESS SCENE FROM THE RUNAWAY BRIDE RE-EDITED TO IMPROVE IT AND WITHOUT ALL THE POINTLESS GURNING AND LAUGHING)

'Oi, Doctah, oo says there ain't enuff scootahs in the new series?'

'I'm sorry Donna, I can't understand your poor syntax and cockernee shouting. You wouldn't catch me talking like that, no sir. What was that you were saying about scooters?'

'No, I said, Doctor Who says there ain't enuff scootahs in the new series!'

'I did? When did I say that?'

'You got cloth ears or summink? That's the new gimmick for next season! Mark E. Smith is gonna be riding around on a scootah! It'll be a time scootah! Time and relative dimension in scootahs! It's wot all the cool kids are doing nowadays!'

'Oh my giddy aunt, Donna. I fear you have failed to prefigure that crashing revelation about the new series with a loud cloister bell of a spoiler alert. However will the ming-mongs react to such a shocking alteration of the target demographic?'

'Wot you 'arping on abaht??? All I was saying woz that there was definitely going to be scootahs next year! Will you just give it a rest, Mr. Spock?'

'Oh. I fear I realise what has happened. You seem to have temporarily slipped into another timey-wimey paradox and like Nostradamus getting everything twisted accidentally seen an episode of Remembrance of the Daleks where I think Ace had a skateboard. What an unfortunate misunderstanding.'

'Phew. Strike a light Mary Poppins. That's a bleedin' relief. At least no-one's done anyfink bleedin' stoopid like cast a 26-year old as the new Doctahh or nuffink.'

'Oh dear. Donna, I fear I have some very bad news for you...'

'Wot, that I'm going to turn into a time lady or summink or nuffink, and then lose my mind and forget all abaaht yer, or summink?'

'No, Donna - that'll probably never happen either since that would be hugely ridiculous. It's just that... well as a prefiguring of the next entry by our master blogger, I felt it would perhaps be apposite to raise the subject of this new young whippersnapper who will in nary a year be taking over from me as the Best Actor In The World. And just to keep things fresh and all-shook-up, he'll be doing the whole thing with a Scottish accent. Everybody absolutely loved it the last time that happened!'

'I ain't got a f%^*ing clue wot you're goin on abaaht, Doctah. What a f%^&ing liberty! How very dare you! I wasn't anyfink like my other characters! THAT'S WHY THEY KILLED ME OFF!!!'

'Hang on. Am I on very strong drugs? What am I doing trapped in this existential nightmare? I'm going down this improbably green corridor on a scooter thing and I'm about to get killed by a giant over-acting spider woman who doesn't do stairs. When will this madness cease?????

And is there any need for this blogger chap to say anything further about the Runaway Bride and its skilful co-opting of scooters other than what has already been stated above?????'

'Yes. And no, you’re quite right, Other Bloke - your being on very strong hallucinogens - or at least some form of incorrectly prescribed medication - must be the only explanation for why a child’s scooter is now talking to you in a slightly condescending manner. F%^& knows what I’ve got to do with any of this. I’m only a f%^&ing scooter for f%^&’s sake.

Get a grip, man… didn’t you read the leaflet? Do not operate heavy machinery! Or ride scooters through secret underground facilites in sub-standard Christmas specials revolving around the introduction of irritating comedy companions in wedding dresses! You’ve only got yourself to blame! Now drink some water and go and lie down for an hour or so. Maybe then you’ll realise that this whole experience has just been a terrible chemical-induced nightmare.

Haha only kidding, you spanner! You’re still going to get horribly killed by that scary spider woman! It’s all real! You’re totally f%^&ed! This is just like the last episode of the Prisoner! Only more mad and with a talking scooter.'

THANK SUTEKH THAT'S OVER

Christ. This is like something out of Naked Lunch! We’re fast approaching literature! Unlike Nu-Who!

Credit goes to http://time-and-space.co.uk/ for the screencaps. They've got millions of pics from Who just waiting for idiots like me to caption them and rewrite the new series so that, in a parallel dimension, it will all be so much better. There will be more. Be very afraid.

Come back next time around for some astute discussion regarding professional pop binnman Mark E. Smith out of the Fall getting the job of being the new Doctor. Yes-uh, I am-uh, a Time-uh Lord-uh...