A Day In The Life Of A Torchwood Photoshoot

(OR, HOW TO MAKE CARDIFF AND ITS OCCUPANTS APPEAR EVEN MORE GREY AND MISERABLE THAN THEY PROBABLY ALREADY ARE. ONLY KIDDING WELSH FOLKS! DON'T WORRY, I'LL HAVE A GO AT THE IRISH IN A MINUTE TO MAKE UP FOR IT. PROBABLY)

'YEAH, BABY! Okay, I’m thinking, dark, serious and moody! Everybody get into character now. Work it for me!

Strike those superhero poses! Especially you, Barrowman, since that’s all you'll be doing for the whole of seasons one and two! You certainly won’t be doing any actual proper acting or anything! Just looking really hawt and kewl and OMG as well as standing on top of really tall buildings for absolutely no f$%^ing reason at all and occasionally dropping some Carry-On-style innuendoes will be absolutely fine! That’s it, John - mine’s a large one, yeah baby!

COME ON everyone! Okay Eve, set hair to birds-nest - oh, it already is set to birds-nest - and cross those arms and look like you're in a right mood about something! Cos that is also something you're going to need to be prepared for! And no you don’t need to shout JAAACK or RHHYYSS or OWWENN at all for this but rest assured your mouth will be open for at least ninety two percent of the first two seasons. And you will be mostly shouting. Gwen really isn't really anything at all like that Victorian maid you played in The Unquiet Dead! She was at least a bit happy! And not a total bitch!

And Burn, give me that 'arch and sarcastic' face you do so well! Don't wear it out though, cos I don’t know if anyone's told you yet, but you'll have to keep that exact same expression on for about two years! As well as essentially being a leftover Eastenders character who oscillates wildly between being a lovely nice guy and a total f%^&ing bellend. At least until we decide to kill you for confusing reasons then kill you again by blowing you up since we didn‘t manage to get rid of you the first time. Then you'll probably want to smile lots cos then you'll finally be free of this bloody atrocious programme!

Yes, Naoko, that's it - give me quizzical! Or maybe inquisitive. One of those. Although it doesn't really matter how wonderful your acting is cos THEY'LL NEVER ACTUALLY GIVE YOU ANYTHING F%^&ING INTERESTING TO DO AT ALL! It’ll be just like being in Absolutely Fabulous again. Apart from that one where you get to have gratuitous lesbian sex with that girl out of My Family who turns out to be a gay alien jellyfish war criminal. That never happened in Absolutely Fabulous. Or the one where you get shot and killed. That one’ll be proper brilliant, Naoko, mark my words!

And Gareth - sorry, David - no, it’s Lloyd, isn’t it? Christ, what actors have three first names? Okay, you just look… oh, let’s face it, it doesn’t f$%^ing matter what you do cos you’ve only got about five lines in all of the first two seasons… How about you just look a bit miserable? That way you’ll exactly mirror the experiences of the folks watching at home! There’s a true method acting tip, you can have that for free, Gareth - take it from me, I’m a photographer!'

Okay kids, now we’re really ready to lay some magic right onto the lens. Right then, if all of you just strip completely naked…

What? What do you mean that’s not in the contract? It’s f%^&ing well in mine! What sort of thing did you think you were photographing???

What’s that? TORCHwood you say?

Bugger. I think there’s been a misunderstanding. I was hired to take photos for Touch Wood, Wales’s premier specialist magazine featuring good-looking sorts engaging in lewd acts outside prominent local landmarks under the cover of night?

Well don’t all look so f%^&ing surprised! Are you sure I can’t tempt you? There’s an autographed copy of the fourth volume in Russell T. Davies’s classic life story ‘My Life In Ripping Off Spooks And Buffy Only Making It A Little Bit More Gay And Set In Cardiff’ in it for you if you do! It’s four-hundred pages long and it’s not even in large print. Come on, people!
Oh, thank you, John. My journey hasn’t been in vain… OOH, BEHAVE!!!

Yes, that's right kids - it was Russell T. Davies taking the photos all along! The cheeky sod.