One Of The Smiths Is The New Doctor!

'Hello-uh. I am-uh, the new Doctor-uh. If you've got time-uh, let me lecture you on abstract stuff like football and politics to a catchy post-punk beat. Uh.'

'No, Mark, I'm the new Doctor - what the hell is wrong with you? I'm a proper Goth. And I've got mad hair - It must be me! It's making me depressed just thinking about it.'

'Forget it you losers. We did get a woman Doctor after all! Now, let me read you some pretentious beat poetry about why I will be the best Time Lord of all...'

'Excuse me... I think you'll all find that I'm the original Smith. So let's have no more of this ridiculous false speculation. Plus I'll be wearing a daffodil in my lapel. That can't possibly go wrong... And I was in the Next Doctor as I'm sure you all remember...'

'Haha you bunch of ming-mongs! You're all wrong! Yes, that's right - I, Paterson Joseph, have got the job! IN YOUR FACE, BITCHES!!!

Although I did have to mud-wrestle this guy Barack Obama for the job. No idea who he was - some wannabe. He was so gutted at losing and not getting to fulfill his childhood dream of being an eccentric hero who travels all over the place trying to defeat evil and protect the weak.

No idea what he's doing now. Probably appearing in Casualty or something...'

Yes, kids, even more of this pointless drivel coming up very soon... some proper talk about the new Doctor. Yes, really. The actual next Doctor... oh hang on. That was Morrissey, though -wasn't it?