Oh look! It’s that new guy. Him out of…
Oh no, hang on. What was he out of? Was it school?
Or maybe if you squint in some of his photos taken thus far, young Mr. Smith could almost resemble…
Yes! The evidence is compelling - going by his appearance in the Confidential episode that revealed his assignment to the role, Mr. Smith sounds posh, has mad scarecrow hair, splutters and stammers, waves his hands around and tries vainly to convince us he has authority and knows what he’s talking about! There’s basically no difference at all!
Annoyingly for all of us this recent earthshaking and controversial Who-related revelation has been in great danger of eclipsing the truly important story of the week which is the first proper big review in this here blog - alright we’re a month in and we still haven’t said anything in the least way worthwhile yet, but never mind, let’s keep slogging on.. I did say it was going to be The Next Doctor next, but something else happened. ie, some bloke who actually was the next Doctor.
Yes. Matt Smith! Or John Smith. Or Agent. Or Smith & Jones. Or Smith & Wesson. Or Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang adverts. The next Doctor. One of those.
DON'T WORRY - NO ONE ELSE HAS EITHER! IT'S ALL RIGHT, HE'S NOT A CRIMINAL!
Let’s face it, everything was cruising along nicely, we knew Tenners was finally packing it all in, Christmas was (perhaps thankfully) done and dusted and we had a whole spanking new year of Frankly Not Very Much Doctor Who (Or Indeed Torchwood) to not look forward to. Our palates were sated and there seemed to be no pressing need to go anywhere near the more salubrious corners of tha intraweb in search of any salacious rumours about who the next incarnation of everyone’s fave telly time lord might turn out to be. Going down that route of unending casting speculation is surely the way of madness…
So despite all this tendency to just sit back and wait, there were still the rumours. Oh, the endless, bloody f%^&ing rumours! I’m struck by the temptation at this point to waste your and my precious time going through the contenders one more time, but seeing as how the likelihood of anyone reading any of this at any time prior to the casting of the 13th Doctor (ie 1986) seems distinctly improbable, I’ll assume you either all know full well who was supposedly up for it, or don’t give a flying funt.
So anyway, from out of nowhere on an abrupt Doctor Who Confidential we are presented with this twitchy young whippersnapper of a a gent, raving about building time lords and feeling as if he’s going mad. Matt Smith is the name and Who will be the game, to be spluttered over for whole months to come in a furore of tabloid jittergasm and internet nitwittery. Never has a Doctor been in possession of a name so unremitting ordinary. Rumour has it that Chiwetel Ejiofor is furious that a name as boring as his is getting all the attention and is in negotioations with the post office trying to get his name changed to Dave Henry so that he stands a better chance of nailing the part next time around.
MATT SMITH
FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER
OMG! The terror factor's gonna be off the hook!
DAMN LIES AND STATISTICS
Oh all right, I suppose I have got on to the rumour list. Ejiofor would have made for a great Doctor. As would have Robert Carlyle. As would have the seeming favourite, Paterson Joseph.
Joseph's name was becoming quite heavily tipped in the weeks leading up to the BBC's finally revealing the secret everyone and their grandma had been waiting for. One can only assume the papers, internet and tabloid whisperers were going bonkers for him was because (reasons follow, If you still care...)
1. He's appeared in Doctor Who before, and we all know a bit-part in Who is the absolute guarantee that you'll be coming back as a major character
2. He played a decidedly Doctor-esque characters a good few years back in the mostly misfiring fantasty series Neverwhere
3. he was reasonably well-known, having appeared in stuff like Peep Show, Jekyll and Survivors
4. And, unbelievably -he was -gasp - black! Who’d’ve thought it? An actor who’s actually black! Just like the Chewie who isn’t the Chewie from Star Wars! The tabloid press being so stunned at this revelation regarding an actor's skin colour that they felt the need to mention and point it out at every available opportunity. Anyway, in the wake of all that nonsense, here's Paterson himself, speaking exclusively to televisionoff to clear things up for everybody regarding those perky casting rumours...
(nb not really, these aren't actually his real words, honestly. It's just a load of complete bollocks I've made up. Really!)
A QUICK WORD FROM THE ACTOR PATERSON JOSEPH
Hi there, I'm the actor Paterson Joseph. You might remember me from Aeon Flux and not being the 11th Doctor. Did anyone see me in Aeon Flux? What, really? You did? Oh dear...
Right. Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, don't look around the eyes... three, two one, your under. I, Paterson Joseph, was never in the movie Aeon Flux. In was complete rubbish and didn't make the blindest bit of sense. Pete Postlethaite wasn't in it either. He was dressed up as a huge glowing condom. And Sophie Okeonedo wasn't either, and she had hands instead of feet. What the f%^&ing hell was that about? Never mind - that's besides the point. I definitely was not nor had any involvement with the film Aeon Flux. Got that? Three, two, one... Your back in the room
Oh PS. I'M THE DOCTOR! Only kidding.
ABSOLUTELY NOT FABULOUS
But it wasn't him. Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley were also both mentioned (presumably as some kind of a double act), Bill Nighy (Again? He already played the Ninth Doctor... Or at least, he was for about an hour, according to one particular tabloid ‘fact‘) and Alan Davies's name was also floating around as usual. (Foiled again, QI man! Surely if he is waiting for the call, Davies was been hanging around for that for that job since about 1995!)
Never mind the lesser-likelies - Russell Tovey (Who? Yes, we know who - But not Who!)Catherine Tate (Again, who? It’s not like anyone’s even heard of her. A woman in Doctor Who? It’ll never work!)
And of course, the massively likely and probably completely continuity-destroying Billie Piper. Okay - admittedly this was an off-the cuff joke thrown around by either RTD or David Tennant, which of course the press decided meant that it must automatically become a factual story. A little like the idea of…
John Barrowman. Yes, ladies and gents, John f%^&ing Barrowman. Lord of the Dance, King Of Panto Loons and Supreme Master of the Grinning Ham as well as singer of Gary Barlow-penned middle-of-the-road pop ballads. Famous for everything apart from his sterling work portraying everyone’s favourite rogue time agent and intergalactic derring man of do, Cap’n Jack. As the 11th Doctor. This would make so much sense I can’t believe it didn’t actually come to pass.
Now onto some serious reaction. Bits and pieces of this next bit were previously posted on the SFX website (quick plug, http://sfx.co.uk/ ) and on an Amazon discussion forum - who I shall credit here only because I believe Amazon supposedly owns copyright of anything you write there, so in case I get sued for plagiarizing someone else’s words. And I was going to give the URL but it's so flipping long that it nearly made Blogger explode. So find it yourself.
'Hmm... hope A taxi'll be along soon. It's just that I haven't got the keys for this old thing yet. Don't want to be late for my appointment with TOTAL FAME!'
So apologies if anyone coming here gets déjà vu - I just thought I made my points rather succinctly there so if in doubt, repeat yourself…
Spoiled then by that fickle mistress the internet - I didn't even know there was a Confidential episode on, the Who production team perhaps thinking they could release the identity of the new Doctor in the hope that maybe nobody would actually notice - but I'm perfectly happy to be completely surprised by someone I've never heard of. The problem with all the tabloid rumour fest meltdown of late is that it's only relatively well-known actors who get tipped - even if the cat was out the bag earlier regarding Matt’s casting, some youngish guy no-one's heard of isn't going to be much of a story in the Sun, online or wherever. I remember hearing about Tennant’s casting and in the same way thinking, ’who? I’m sure I’ve seen him in something…’
And indeed, Mr. Tennant had been a well-established thesp for some 15-odd years before bagging the job of Who - just not all that famous. Yet. We shall of course just have to wait to see how such a yungun will handle this legendary role - especially like the already floating-around idea of Smith getting a companion who’s significantly older than his Doctor will appear to be, but I suspect it’s not all that likely.
And of course, the naysayers have already been out in force to try and besmirch Mr. Smith’s acting talent, appearance, hairdo, background, tone of voice, and inante not-being-blackness. I’m one of those folks who would have been perfectly happy to see something hugely controversial (only in the minds of those who surely aren’t proper fans of the series) to see a non-white actor or even, gosh, a woman take the role - but Matt Smith is who we’ve got to be going on with.
As for the criticism and the idea that Smith is too young and inexperienced to play the part, well to play devil’s advocate for a moment, back in ye olde days when the series was teetering on its last legs, Colin Baker and then Sylvester McCoy were distinctly questionable actors to cast in the role - in fact, all Doctors after Hartnell saw some form of criticism being thrown at them for deviating from the established norm the previous actor had established. And to be fair although its often implied that it was either Baker II or McCoy who ‘killed’ the show, back in the late eighties Doctor Who was a cash-strapped sticky-back plastic disaster struggling to stay afloat and certainly didn't have the finances, quality control, critical acclaim and a generally SF-friendly climate to work in. The lead actor frequently bears the brunt of the blame when other things entirely out of their hands are going wrong.
Some viewers might have specific issues with Nu-Who but there almost seems to be a section of fandom (that’s not me kids, don’t worry) who talk as if they’d rather see the series axed and taken off the air because it's occasionally guilty of trying to appeal to a broader demographic. Surely that's an argument that holds no water…
Matt Smith might be young and unknown, but he's just going to be another cog in the grand Who machine which has always been a bigger engine that doesn't exclusively depend on its star. The show isn't rubbish, and unless Steven Moffat suddenly decides he hates the show and starts deliberately making it bad (which so many cheery negativists already seem to be wanting him to do) then it will carry on, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but more often than not, usually pretty excellent and at the very least, entertaining. Which is all Who really is - just a piece of entertainment to occasionally provoke us all and make us think, laugh or go hmmm.
That's enough for all of us, surely. Cheer up, people - we'll probably get a black woman as the Doctor next time around... then and then the miserablists can really get upset.
Plus anyone out there scanning various websites and listening to certain Doctor Who-related podcasts will probably have already heard and read several people getting awfully premature and having a go at the very idea of the Doctor being black - criticising Paterson Joseph (based on not very much knowledge of his acting talents, and who knows if he was ever up for the part?) and claiming that the Doctor should never be black, or Asian, or a woman. Or a horse. And getting up on your high horse about Matt Smith being too young and supposedly Goth-looking is just as silly and pointless a debate to start as the whole race/sex one, which has turned out to be a non-starter anyway. Do you think when they offered him the part, Matt thought 'hm, surely I don't have the gravitas to portray someone hundreds of years older than me convincingly. The Who fans will be all over me on this one! I shall not accept the job?'
Come on. Any of the moaning Who fans out there posting or blogging who might flirt with acting would accept the job in a second were it hypothetically offered to you, regardless of whether you're fifteen or fifty. It's amazing how miserable and cynical some Who fans can be...
AT LAST! THE TRUTH ABOUT ALL THOSE COMPANIONS IN THE FRAME (AGAIN)
'Hang on... why are we in Dubai? On a bus? And who are you? You're not Lily Allen! I was promised Lily Allen! Or Billie Piper, yet again!'
'Er... No, David - I'm Michelle Ryan, aka Zoe from EastEnders and A Sexy Witch in Merlin. Russell told me that Sexy Witches are officially Right In at the moment. So here I am! On this bus! In Dubai! Looking mildly uncomfortable cos I'm not quite sure where that hand's going!'
'You're the sexy witch from out of Merlin! Looking mildly uncomfortable because you're not quite sure where that hand's going!'
'Yes. That's what I said. I'm definitely not Bionic anymore though, I checked. That cleared right up. Apparently the cream was very effective. It cancelled that terrible rash after only eight episodes!'
'Look, I don't care about your personal problems! No, woman, this is simply not acceptable! We had sexy witches back in the Shakspeare Code. Look , is says in my contract, I will not have this many sexy witches in a series! It's clear evidence of a decline in standards...'
'Er - okay... Well I was in Eastenders for quite a long while so I'm extremely proficient in the one true television accent - I learnt my trade spending several seasons undertudying at the London School Of Cockernee Shouting, from which I graduated with a Masters in Bleedin' Apples And Pears, Guv. Surely this qualifies me for a role in your esteemed television programme?'
'Oh. I'm terribly sorry Michelle, I appear to have misunderestimated you. If you can Cockernee Shout, then you're welcome aboard! The bus! Haha! We've never had a companion like that before!
'Ow's yer farvur, penny farving, chicken in a basket, gor blimey mister! Let's run around and get knocked over by explosions, Doctahh!
'Er, right on Michelle. Sorted! Veras! Geezer! Eeza good, eeza good!'
SOME UNKNOWN THREAD TIES ALL THESE THINGS TOGETHER, AND IT ISN'T BEES
And then there's the issue of the companion. One name that has thus far been floating around the rumour-cloud (that's a new thing that I've just invented, probably the big monster that mortally wounds Tennant's Doctor and causes him to regenerate - Just wait and see!) has been that of vaguely irritating pop starlet-slash-TV presenter-slash fashion icon and yoof voice Lily Allen.
Admittedly, this is a rumour that has most probably been concocted by the tabloids in search of something resembling a follow-up story to the news of Matt Smith, who tend to base their Doctor Who exclusives on either Chinese Whispers or sheer made-up bobbins. What's that, you say? A vaguely controversial pop star becoming the companion of a new Doctor? Well it's happened once already...
Whoever it turns out to be - and at the time of writing it has been revealed that former Bionic woman Michelle 'You're my muvver!' Ryan is going to be showing up in at least one of Tennant's final episodes - I'm at least willing to leave it up to the production team to worry about who's likely to be coming on board. Michelle Ryan would certainly seem to be typical companion material - for those who might not know, I read a while back that she auditioned for the role of Rose back when they were casting the new series, but lost out to Billie Piper. So maybe there's giving her a shot... That's got to be a better career move than Bionic Woman, anyway. Or being 'token sexy evil sorceress woman' in Merlin. Don't worry, if you can't wait for some proper full-scale vitriol, we'll be having a go at Merlin in coming posts... and it'll probably be bloody.
HELLO, BOYS!
.jpe)
Michelle Ryan as she probably won't be appearing in Doctor Who
Something else Michelle Ryan probably won't be doing in Doctor Who. PHWOOARR! etc.
Hang on, isn't that Matt Smith ogling her in an exclusive screecap from season 5? NO HANKY-PANKY IN THE TARDIS! NOOO!!!
OH GOD THE POST STILL ISN'T FINISHED YET
BLOODY TIME LORDS
'Smith, you say? Who is this young rapscallion? Can't say I've ever heard of him. Now, where were we? Susan? Hello? Who am I, again?'
Tennant is a very solid and versatile actor and has absolutely cemented himself into the role but more often than not he did seem to be basing his performance as the Doctor - with those over-enunciated vocal inflections - on Rowan Atkinson circa Blackadder. He has also been especially good at keeping the character kiddie-friendly, no doubt aware that this was what Tom Baker always used to do, and this was probably the reason Baker was held for a long time to be the greatest actor to play the part - a position Tennant seems to have now sneakily usurped.
'yes... yes I know... I am brilliant. No, honestly, you don't have to tell me... oh, go on then... just one more time...'
Back on the companion front... maybe they could just get Billie Piper back full time and have done with it. Martha and Donna were both essentially the exact same character, only written a tiny bit differently. Either they need to come up with something radically different companion-wise (which, as I'm sure you can all assume, Lily Allen would so not be) or just get The Pied Piper back in to pout and occasionally wear dungarees. Okay, sure, she's trapped in another dimension never to return... well she returned from it once, why not again? There's no rules in Doctor Who, despite what all the continuity-citing moaners and nitpickers might claim.
Billie the Pied Piper considers coming back to play Rose one final time. While behaving inappropriately in a restaurant. Luckily the paparazzi where there to capture to moment for Who fans to learn of her final decision.
'What, for season 5? Brilliant! I'll be there! Tennant's gone, you say? Fantastic - I was bloody sick of Tennant!'
LET'S ALL COUNT TO 13
In trying to bring this whole ramble to some sort of a resolution, Russell T. Davies said on more than a few occasions that one of the main things he tried to do in bringing Doctor Who back - something that had virtually never been done in the show's past - was to try and make it as appealing as possible to young kids and younger women in particular. And this was one of the big reasons why the new series has been so hugely successful.
And Neil Morrissey wasn’t even the real next Doctor either. What a f$%^ing liar.
'No, I wasn't. Now sod off and leave me alone. I'm almost as miserable about being associated with Doctor as that other Morrissey - Heaven knows I'm miserable now, etc.'
That’s the Mr. Smith stuff sorted then. And now, seeing as it’s still no doubt still lingering on in people’s minds - although perhaps without the benefit of a great deal of hindsight, something I shall be attempting to utilize in coming posts, where very-old things will probably be trashed in much the same manner as the very recent, so c’est la piss - it’s time to rip The Next Doctor into lots of very small urchin-shaped pieces. And we’ll hear nothing more of this Matt fellow.
I hope you've all learned something from the above. Cos I certainly haven't.
Goodbye. Next time, Next Doctor. Unless I think of anything less important.
'No, I don't know what I'm doing here either. Is it cos I'm the new companion? No? Anyone? What am I famous for again?'
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